Thursday 22 December 2011

Bibir Berbentuk Hati.

Assalamualaikum. 

dari pagi hingga senja, tiap kali dia melintas ruang tamu, matanya akan tertumpu ke arah sebuah kantung usang berwarna-warni yang digantung di sebelah lukisan pemandangan sawah. kantung itulah kemuncak hidupnya hari-hari. kantung itulah yang membuat dia mandi setiap petang sebelum disuruh, menghabiskan sayur di pinggan tanpa bersuara dan menelan setiap biji vitamin ikan kod yang amat dibencinya.
dari dalam kantung itulah ibunya tiap malam selepas selesai mencuci pinggan, selepas selesai melipat kain baju yang bertimbun, selepas selesai memberi kucing-kucing yang kelaparan di luar rumah, dari dalam kantung itulah ibunya mengeluarkan sehelai kertas yang di atasnya tertulis sebuah cerita untuk dibaca pada dia hari itu.
pernah sekali dia menjenguk ke dalam kantung itu. dan mengeluarkan kertas itu dengan tangan menggeletar dan peluh menitis. tapi yang dia lihat hanyalah kertas kosong. tanpa lakaran, lukisan, mahupun apa-apa petanda. yang malam itu akan muncul sebuah cerita yang akan membuat dia melayang dalam mimpi-mimpi baru. dia tak kecewa. malah mungkin dia lebih kagum kerana fikir dia, cerita itu seperti spora-spora cendawan yang hanya akan muncul selepas waktu-waktu tertentu. atau mungkin cerita itu ditulis dalam bahasa halimunan orang dewasa. 
tiap kali ibunya mengeluarkan kertas dari kantung itu, akan terbitlah satu cerita. dan malam ini, ceritanya berjudul, "Bibir Berbentuk Hati".
khabarnya, bibir sang puteri berbentuk hati telah dicuri. bibir yang bikin hujan renyai, nyaman di waktu petang, bibir yang mengubat hati rawan dan matahari mengenyitkan mata sudah hilang. kejadian dilaporkan berlaku jam 2.30 pagi, waktu sang puteri baru saja pulang dari majlis bersuka-suka dan sedang bersiap untuk beradu. sang puteri hanya sedar akan kehilangannya itu waktu beliau memandang cermin, dan menyedari tiada sinar intan yang merenung kembali padanya. yang ada hanyalah kesuraman istana dan bunyi cengkerik. lolongan anjing yang bising serta tangis yang syahdu. negara jadi kaget, raja jadi bingung. rakyat meratap tangis. dan sang puteri menutup pintu kamarnya dan menguncinya sekemas-kemas mungkin hingga tiada cahaya dapat menyelit. tiada bunyi dapat menyusul. tiada bau boleh melolos. di tiap simpang, ada hati yang dipatahkan. di lorong-lorong, kucing-kucing kelaparan. meski matahari dan bulan tak pernah mungkir akan kitaran, tapi tiap kemunculan mereka ibarat keluhan yang panjang dan bersahut-sahutan. dari malam ke siang, dari siang ke malam. seribu tahun selepas peristiwa itu, di sebuah kampung di tengah belantara yang perlu kita berakit untuk ke sana, seorang kanak-kanak bangun dan mendapati bibirnya yang semalam ordinary, kini sudah berubah berbentuk hati.

*maaf kalau bahasa aku a bit lintang pukang. aku terlalu bosan and stress so, this is apa yang keluar dari hati and apa yang aku tengah fikirkan sekarang. mungkin sesetengah reader kurang mengerti apa maksud cerpen ini, tapi ini amat bermakna kalau kita dapat faham betul betul :) 

Wednesday 17 August 2011

happy birthday, daddy :)

18th August. 


it will always be the day when God decides to give me the best present a daughter can have. A super dad, my super hero, you.






I would remember all those time, all those daughter-father time we’ve spent together. You know, I remember years after years, watching you’re not as strong as you were, wrinkles on your face, and your chubby belly. Yet for me, no guy in this world is more handsome than you are. And there are no men in this world that is quite worth it compared to you. And there are definitely no man in this world is worth to have me in a wedding dress unless he loves you just like I do. I used to have you as my guardian, my care - taker, my financial resource. I know no matter how old I am, even when I’m twenty like now, thirty something, I will always be your little daughter, as you always told me, I am your grown baby girl :)


You gave me strength when I was weak, you told me to have faith when I was in doubt, and you believe in me when nobody does, you stand by me when the world conspired against me. You make me laugh when I wasn’t even in a mood to smile. You taught me how to be honest person, how to sincere. You taught me how to survive, you stepped up for me and sometimes you let me fight my own battle. If it weren’t because of you, none of this great things would’ve had happened.

I have a lot of prayers that I ask God in every single day; to remind me how lucky I am to be your daughter. And here’s some:

May your life be full of joy, love and light. May your way be an endless wander through the miracles all along and interesting and well-hearted people cross it. May the only wrinkles you get those coming from honest laughter and the only memories of your heart consisting of passion and inspiration. May people constantly remember what a pure heart you have, and you’re completely irreplaceable. May God bless all the path that you’ve chose. May God gives you health for time to come, and you’re able to attend  my degree & master graduation, my wedding, your future grandchildren. Most of all, I want you to be happy. And stop worrying about me or your families.



In a time when fathers are totally absent,
gone most of the time,
or physically present but mentally distracted,
you are there for me—
looking at me, listening to me
understanding me, talking with me.
You make time for me
even when it’s inconvenient for you.
You make me feel important to you.
I learn from you when you teach me,
when I watch you do things,
and when I observe you
just being you—a terrific father.
Every affectionate smile you give me,
every pat on the back, every hug
shows me you love me,
that you’re proud of me.
And for you know, you’re not a hero known by this world,
but I love you and couldn’t be proud more for who I am today,
because I’ve raised by you.
You’re doing a great job, Dad.
I know you’re never asking me to be more than what I am,
But I promise you one day I’ll be a better person, a person you’ll be proud of
Thank you for paying for my education, thank you for understand how immature I could be,
Thank you for the unconditionally love,
Thank you for loving me for who I am, no one could ever does that better than you do.

Thank you for shaping my life. Thank you for teaching me all you can.
You are no ordinary man.
You make me everything I am. Thank you for taking the time.
Thank you for showing me the way, and thank you for being there when I need you.
Thank you for every single day.






i love you, daddy. happy birthday! may Allah bless you always <3

Thursday 14 April 2011

when i miss my superhuman.

Miss him too much?
I guess this is a common problem for any couples, except for those who have hearts made of stone (and i do know some).
Recently well we had this problem where no matter how much time we spend together, it seems not enough for me. We’ve been seeing each other everyday for the last 7 days or more, for like hours each day and I still miss him whenever we part (tapi sebenarnya yang tu like a year ago). Actually it’s ok that way, until the missing thing got to me and dragged me into this emo-despo state. Then I  felt unhappy all the time, which in turn made him so helpless as whatever he did could not cheer me up.
Btw this is not the first time I’ve had this problem. To be honest I have it in every single one of my
uncountable
 relationships, not the one where I didn’t have real feelings for the guy though. I’m quite a passionate person, therefore, I miss my partner a lot, all the time. But mostly it’s manageable, like I miss him but it’s ok, i can still enjoy my life and wait for our time together. Now it’s different and i sometimes feel miserable without him.
This problem occurs many times before but don’t get me wrong it’s not the same this time. Previously, when i start to miss my then-bf more, i’d have to remind myself to curb it down because he didn’t miss me as much as I did  (well obviously he didn't have as much feelings for me as I did for him too).
I guess everyone know how calculative we can be in relationships (trust me you guys all are).‘Should I think of him/her more? Should I miss him/her more? Should I do this/buy that for him/her? Does he/she think of/ miss/care for me as much as I do? Is this too much? Does he/she deserve this?’  I know most of my friends are like this (if one of them is not, that one should have been my bf already). I have many guy friends who calculate their every move, every date should be just right. Like ‘by this time, I should be allowed to do this with/to her.’ And I sometimes think ‘why don’t you just forget it and let whatever happens happens?’
I know being calculative is good, it’s nothing wrong, i used to do it too, all the time. It’s like a self-defense thing, no one likes to give away too much and end up being the loser (or even worse, the victim). But here comes my advice to guys out there: maybe it’s better to just be honest and truthful. Tell her what you think when you’re thinking it. Do what you feel like and don’t care about what advantage/gain it’s gonna bring you. My friends keep wondering how come the girls they are after don’t have feelings back for them. The answer is: simply they don’t give the girls a good enough reason to fall in love with them.
I used to be that little smart chick and the truth is: it’s damn TIRING. To come up with every move. Having no plan A or B is sometimes easier to breathe. Though you should only apply this with those whom you can trust. To be defenseless to a stranger or simply one whom you don’t really understand can lead to grave endings.
In my case, he is one of those rare guys who are dead honest and gives their all when they are in love (his best friend hates him for that and even i'm worried for him if by chance i'm not his gf). Therefore I can trust him totally and not being afraid of getting hurt. When I asked, he told me that yes he loves me more and yes he misses me more but he can’t do anything more than he’s alrd doing and I’ll have to deal with this problem myself. 
To you guys who are reading my post till this point, thinking that I’m such a loser to trust whatever my bf told me or questioning the reality of it. Erhem. Just because you can’t do those things, it doesn’t reduce the possibility of someone else being capable of doing them [L].

Wednesday 13 April 2011

the story.

Broken dreams, broken dreams
hoping someday you'll see me 
Sky is grey, sky is grey
but I dancing in the rain 
Live this way, live this way
will you remember my name? 
Live a lie, live a lie
why don't you ask yourself why…
Don't you open your eyes?
Only the moon, only the moon
only the moon will hear my plea 
Only the creatures of the night
will harmonize with me 
Missed you so, missed you so
and I wondered if you know 
The wind has blown me in the corner
and it's hard to let go
That's the story
that's the story of you and me

Friday 8 April 2011

just you and me.

You were sitting at the coffee table

where you're reading Kierkegaard
Minutes later, you proceeded to say
something that almost broke my heart



You said, "Darling, I am tired of livin' my routined life.
There's so much in the world that i'd like
to soak up with my eyes."
Well, baby i never did stop you from going out to explore
We can do it all together from the colds of the poles
to the tropics of Borneo




Let's pack our bags
and lie on the easy stream
feel the water on our backs
where we can carry on dreamin'
where we can finally
be where we'd like to be
Darlin', just you and me



Just you and me...



So Darlin', what do you say?
Does that sound like a plan to you?
We can build our own little world
where no one else can come through
We can live in huts made out of grass
we can greet father time as he walks pass
we can press our feet into the dirt
a little mud, no, it wouldn't hurt



Let's pack our bags
and lie on the easy stream
feel the water on our backs
where we can carry on dreamin'
where we can finally
be where we'd like to be
Darlin', just you and me



Just you and me.. 

thanks Zee Avi for the awesome lyrics :D

light writing


my all time favourite song :) 

LiyanaFizi

she is Liyana Fizi. cool and pretty :) i adore her much in music <3 wish i could be like her one day, insyaALLAH :D

i got this note from someone's fb :)

Biasanya bg seorg ank prmpuan yg sdh dewasa, yg sdg blajar/bkerja d prntauan, yg ikut suaminya mrantau d luar kota@negeri, akan sering mrasa rindu skali dgn ibunya. Lalu bgmana dgn si ayah?
Mungkin kerana ibu lebih sering menelefon utk bertanya khabar setiap hari tp tahukah anda jika ayahlah yg mengingatkan ibu utk menelefonmu?
Mungkin dulu swaktu kecil ibulah yg lebih sering mengajakmu bcerita@berdongeng tp tahukah anda bhwa sekembalinya ayah dr kerja & dgn wajah yg lelah ayah selalu menanyakan ibu ttg keadaanmu & apa yg dilakukan seharian?
Pd saat dirimu msih seorg anak prmpuan kecil ayah biasanya mengajar puterinya naik basikal & stlh ayah menganggapmu sdh blh menunggang, ayah akan mlepaskan roda bantuan d basikalmu. "Jgn dulu ayahnya, jgn dtanggalkan dulu roda itu", itu kerana ibu tkt puteri manisnya akan terjatuh & luka.
Tp sedarkah anda, bhwa ayah dgn yakin akan mbiarkanmu, menatapmu, & menjagamu mengayuh basikal dgn penuh kasih kerana dia tahu puteri kecilnya PASTI mampu melakukannya.
Pd saat anda menangis merengek meminta alat permainan yg baru, ibu menatapmu hiba, tetapi ayah akan mengatakan dgn tegas "Boleh, nnti kita beli tp tidak sekarang". Tahukan anda, ayah melakukan itu kerana tidak ingin kamu menjadi anak yg manja dgn semua tuntutan yg slalu dpt dipenuhi.
Saat kamu sakit, ayahlah yg slalu risau hingga kdg kala sedikit membentak dgn berkata "Sudah diberitahu! Kamu jgn minum air sejuk!" Berbeza dgn ibu yg slalu menasihatimu dgn lembut. Ketahuilah, saat itu ayah benar2 risau ttg keadaanmu.
Ketika kamu sdh beranjak muda remaja, kamu mula menuntut ayah utk mendpt keizinan keluar mlm, & ayah bersikap tegas mengatakan, "Tidak boleh!" Tahukah kamu bhwa ayah melakukan itu smua utk menjagamu? Kerana bg ayah kamu adalah sstu yg sgt2 luar biasa harganya. Stlh itu kamu marah pd ayah & masuk ke kamar sambil menghempas pintu.
& yg dtg mengetuk pintu & memujukmu agar tidak marah adalah ayah. Tahukah kamu bhwa saat itu ayah memejamkan matanya sambil menahan gelora dlm batinnya, bhwa ayah sgt ingin mengikuti keinginanmu tetapi dia harus menjagamu.
Ketika saat seorg teman lelaki mula menelefonmu, @ bahkan dtg ke rumah utk menemuimu, ayah akan memasang wajah plg cool sedunia :) ayah sesekali mencuri dgr @ mengintip saat kamu sdg berbual berdua d ruang tamu. Sedarkah kamu, kalau hati ayah merasa cemburu sebenarnya?
Saat kamu mulai lebih dipercayai, & ayah melonggarkan sedikit peraturan utk keluar rumah utkmu, kamu akan memaksa utk melanggar jam malamnya. Maka yg dilakukan oleh ayah adalah duduk d ruang tamu & menunggumu pulang dgn hati yg sgt khuatir. Ketika puteri kecilnya pulang larut malam hati ayah akan mengeras & memarahimu. Sedarkah kamu bhwa ini kerana hal ini sgt ditakuti ayah bhwa puteri kecilnya akan segera pergi meninggalkannya?
Setelah lulu SPM, ayah akan sedikit memaksamu utk menjadi seorg doktor @ jurutera. Ketauilah bhwa seluruh paksaan yg dilakukan ayah itu semata2 hnya kerana memikirkan masa dpnmu nnti. Tp ayah tetap tersenyum & menyokongmu saat pilihanmu tidak sesuai dgn keinginan ayah.
Ketika kamu menjd gadis dewasa, & harus pergi blajar jauh dr keluarga, ayah harus melepasmu w/pun sayu di hati. Tahukah kamu bhwa saat itu ayah terasa kaku utk memelukmu? Ayah hanya tsenyum & memberi nasihat itu ini & menyuruhmu utk berhati2 pdhal ayah ingin sekali menangis spt ibu & memelukmu dgn erat. Yg hnya ayah lakukan ialah menghapus sedikit air mata d sudut matanya & menepuk bahumu sambil bkata, "Jd dirimu baik2 ya syg", Ayah melakukan itu smua agar kamu KUAT, kuat utk pergi & menjd dewasa.
D saat kamu kesempitan wang utk mbiayai pbelanjaan semester & kehidupanmu, org pertama yg mengerutkan dahi adalah ayah. Ayah pasti berusaha keras mcari jalan agar anaknya boleh merasa sama dgn teman2 yg lain. Ketika permintaanmu bkn lg sekadar meminta alat mainan yg baru, & ayah tahu dia x mampu mberikanmu apa yg kamu inginkan, kata2 yg keluar dr mulut ayah adalah,"Tidak! Tidak boleh!" Pdhal dlm batin ayah, dia sgt ingin mengatakan, "Ya syg, nnti ayah belikan utkmu", tahukah kamu bhwa pd saat itu ayah merasa gagal utk mbuat anaknya tsenyum?
Saat kamu berjaya sbg seorg sarjana, ayahlah org pertama yg berdiri & mberi tepuk tgn utkmu. Ayah akan tsenyum dgn bangga & puas melihat 'puteri kecil'nya yg tidak manja berhasil menginjak dewasa & tlh menjd seseorg. Hingga satu saat seorg teman lelakimu dtg ke rumah & meminta izin pd ayah utk mengambilmu darinya. Ayah akan sgt berhati2 mberi keizinan kerana ayah tahu bhwa lelaki itulah yg akan mgantikan posisinya nnti.
Dan akhirnya...
Saat ayah melihatmu duduk d atas pelamin bsama seorg lelaki yg dianggapnya mampu menggantikannya, ayah tsenyum bahagia. Adakah kamu tahu di hari bahagia mu itu ayah pergi ke belakang sbentar & menangis? Ayah menangis kerana tersgt bahagia kemudian ayah berdoa. Dlm doanya kpd Allah SWT, ayah bkata, "Ya Allah, tugasku tlh selesai dgn baik, puteri kecilku yg cerdik & ku cintai tlh menjd wanita solehah yg cantik. Bahagiakanlah dia bersama suami yg dicintainya. rahmatilah kehidupan dunia & akhirat mereka. Limpahkanlah kesejahteraan ke atas diri mereka Ya Allah".
Setelah itu ayah hanya mampu tsenyum menunggu kedtgan cucu2nya yg sesekali dtg menjenguk. Dgn rambut yg semakim memutih, & badan yg tidak lagi kuat utk menjagamu dr bahaya, ayah telah menyelesaikan tugasnya. Tidak kira apa pun panggilan kita terhadap mereka - AYAH, BAPA, WALID, PAPA, ABAH, DADDY, merekalah org yg paling kuat. Bahkan ketika dia x kuat utk x menangis, dia harus dilihat sbg seorg yg sgt tegas d saat dia ingin memanjakanmu. Dan dia adalah org yg pertama yg selalu yakin bahawa KAMU MAMPU dlm segala hal (:


I LOVE YOU DADDY THANKS FOR EVERYTHING AND I AM SURE GONNA MAKE YOU PROUD ONE DAY INSYAALLAH :') ♥

Thursday 7 April 2011

marry me ? :)



forever can never be long enough for me
to feel like i've long enough with you
forget the world now, we wont let them see
but there's one thing left to do

now that the weight has lifted
love has surely shifted my way

marry me
today and everyday
marry me
if i ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe

say you will
say you will

together can never be close enough for me
to feel like i'm close enough to you
you wear white and i'll wear out the words i love you
and you're beautiful

now that the wait is over
and love and has finally showed her my way


marry me
today and everyday
marry me
if i ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe

say you will
say you will

promise me you'll always be happy by my side
i promise to sing to you when all the musics die

and marry me
today and everyday
marry me
if i ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe

say you will
say you will

p/s: how i wish someone will sing this song on my birthday :D

Wednesday 6 April 2011

daddy, i love you so much :)



hey guys! i wanna share few things about my daddy :)
It’s amazing how one scent, a smell that burns people’s nostrils, warms my heart. All because it makes me think of my dad. My whole life, I have thought of my grandpa as one of my main role models. While he was a great man, I think I might have overlooked the obvious. I have been raised by two of the most incredible, loving and kind people in the world. And they have become the people I look up to the most. As a little girl, I remember watching my dad: the way he looked at my mom, the way he unconditionally loved my siblings and I, the way he provided for us all. Until I became more aware of the “real world,” I thought that was how every family functioned, but I recently realized how truly blessed I am. My dad has always been there for me. Through my awkward phase, when I wasn’t good enough, he was still love the song I sang. Through my mildly rebellious phase, he was there to teach me how to respect my mom and other adults. Through my “grown up” phase, when I wanted to wear make up, he insisted I was prettier without it. And through my first heartbreak, he was there to tell me the guy was a jerk anyway. My dad supports me and loves me and has become a friend. Many children these days don’t have a father figure like this. For one reason or another he’s missing from their lives. I truly can’t imagine what it would be like for me without my dad. Not only would I miss his dry sense of humor at dinner and while gather with us, but I would miss his hugs before bed, his nicknames for all of us kids, his passion for his family. I am amazed by how much he loves all of us: my mom, my brother, my sisters and I. We are his first priority. And without him, not only would my family not be the same, it would be missing its backbone, the strength that holds us upright. So thank you, Daddy. For getting me through the tough times. For showing me what a real man looks like. For loving Mom. And for being the silent strength behind us all.

 I love you, Daddy :)

a moment like this.



Dear F,



Do u remember our phone conversation on your birthday last year? We talked bout our past and we laughed alots, like nothing bothered us. I was never shy with u. My goal was th love of a lifetime and a lifetime of love together. That is not much to ask is it? That is me, swinging for th fences and expecting great things. It will always sadden me that I did not get to share that life with u. U may have thought, in th last few months, that u had forever missed out on that life with me. That was not true. If at any time, u boldly stepped forward and stated that u wanted nothing more than a lifetime of love with me, u would have received a seemingly unending hug and a shoulder wet with my tears. Instead, u have made some relationship decisions that have troubled me. U are a good and trusting person, but I think u are also vulnerable due to th unresolved sorrows in your life. I am saddened that my love wasn't able to do more to heal your wound heart. It appears our relationship has dwindled down to a one way conversation via e-mail. Although u may read them, I feel they don't really reach u. It has been very disheartening to be pushed out of your life for th sake of a rebound relationship with one of th walking wounded in th battles of love. I thought I accounted for more in your life. So this is goodbye. I will miss you loads, just as I have in every moment in th last 865 days that I have been away from u. My heart was never really satisfied unless u was holding me in your arms. I have loved loving u and being loved by u. U have grabbed hold of my love and embraced it like no one else ever has. Please give me a call when life allows u to enjoy a warm hug, a good meal and one of your loving heart-to-heart talks on th couch. I will look forward to that day... if it ever comes (': 
Goodbye my ex. Thanks for everything. Though our time was short, u shaped my life forever (':

Love, E.